1
00:00:22,700 --> 00:00:25,039
What a splendid day it's been.

2
00:00:25,040 --> 00:00:27,859
We've covered some ground.
I'm shagged.

3
00:00:27,860 --> 00:00:33,839
Listen to him, expose him to
the wonders of nature and that's his response. Pure poetry.

4
00:00:33,840 --> 00:00:36,339
It's been red hot.

5
00:00:36,340 --> 00:00:38,879
Do yourself up then
and keep it in the shade.

6
00:00:38,880 --> 00:00:42,499
Oh, me zip's got stuck a bit,
there's nowt showing.

7
00:00:42,500 --> 00:00:45,279
I get this terrible dream
that he'll start streaking.

8
00:00:45,280 --> 00:00:49,619
I wonder why the Lord made us
with spouts like a kettle?

9
00:00:49,620 --> 00:00:53,780
Only why not a small drain plug,
for instance, in both feet.

10
00:00:58,960 --> 00:01:01,479
Hooligan!

11
00:01:01,480 --> 00:01:03,499
Did you see who that was?

12
00:01:03,500 --> 00:01:05,539
That were Mouse, he's off to t'pub.

13
00:01:05,540 --> 00:01:09,619
To spread a little misery. Mind you,
he makes a beautiful job of it.

14
00:01:09,620 --> 00:01:13,179
Something he does even better,
not paying for a drink.

15
00:01:13,180 --> 00:01:15,879
Has he ever been known
to stand a round?

16
00:01:15,880 --> 00:01:22,120
The only time I've seen him feeling
in his pocket was when he caught himself on the corner of the table.

17
00:01:27,760 --> 00:01:29,799
It's not Bank Holiday is it?

18
00:01:29,800 --> 00:01:33,280
Are they letting the idiots out
on weekdays as well?

19
00:01:45,120 --> 00:01:47,379
How many times have I told you
not to do that!

20
00:01:47,380 --> 00:01:49,899
Hang on, wait up.

21
00:01:49,900 --> 00:01:51,720
Hang on.

22
00:02:06,580 --> 00:02:08,259
'Ey up, he's at it again.

23
00:02:08,260 --> 00:02:13,199
Look, why don't you buy yersen a
pair of binoculars if all you want to do is stare through glasses!

24
00:02:13,200 --> 00:02:17,939
I'm only looking. Yeah, and there
must be 40 pubs around here, why don't you go and upset one of them?

25
00:02:17,940 --> 00:02:19,939
Hello, Marion. Evening, Harry.

26
00:02:19,940 --> 00:02:21,619
Give us a port and lemon, will you?

27
00:02:21,620 --> 00:02:25,499
Where's Ted? He's in your toilets,
I think his nerve's gone.

28
00:02:25,500 --> 00:02:27,079
Heck.

29
00:02:27,080 --> 00:02:29,819
How's it going? The driving, I mean.

30
00:02:29,820 --> 00:02:31,839
Don't ask.

31
00:02:31,840 --> 00:02:35,059
There was a right nasty smash on
the Halifax Road t'other night.

32
00:02:35,060 --> 00:02:38,379
Well, it weren't me! I don't do
'em all, just them round here.

33
00:02:38,380 --> 00:02:40,399
Blood all over t'road.

34
00:02:40,400 --> 00:02:44,179
I bet it weren't thine. I've never
known thee spill a drop of owt!

35
00:02:44,180 --> 00:02:46,699
A pint, Ted. Aye.

36
00:02:46,700 --> 00:02:50,939
Not too full, Harry,
my hand's still shaking.

37
00:02:50,940 --> 00:02:52,479
Look I'll get it!

38
00:02:52,480 --> 00:02:54,699
I'll buy me own!

39
00:02:54,700 --> 00:02:57,840
Well, it shows every cloud
has a silver lining.

40
00:02:59,600 --> 00:03:01,100
Ta.

41
00:03:03,440 --> 00:03:06,239
Are you ready for one, Mouse?

42
00:03:06,240 --> 00:03:07,680
Er, aye, just about.

43
00:03:19,340 --> 00:03:22,119
Come on, get your money out.

44
00:03:22,120 --> 00:03:25,680
'Ey up, here's that bloody car
that nearly did for us.

45
00:03:41,780 --> 00:03:46,479
'Ey up, Gary. Ee, I don't
know how you can wear that overcoat in weather like this.

46
00:03:46,480 --> 00:03:50,720
A good overcoat is this, kid.
Look at them shoulders, cost a few slices, did this.

47
00:04:01,320 --> 00:04:05,219
Ah, good evening, Tina. Allow me.

48
00:04:05,220 --> 00:04:06,700
Thanks, love.

49
00:04:15,260 --> 00:04:20,659
He's a long-toothed peasant. That's
a lady you've just been handling.

50
00:04:20,660 --> 00:04:22,979
You mustn't go by the trousers.

51
00:04:22,980 --> 00:04:25,939
You don't see men wearing shoes
like that.

52
00:04:25,940 --> 00:04:28,799
Not unless they're young liberals
or something.

53
00:04:28,800 --> 00:04:30,719
I'm talking about her husband.

54
00:04:30,720 --> 00:04:32,299
That Apache she's married.

55
00:04:32,300 --> 00:04:34,439
Danny? Danny, huh!

56
00:04:34,440 --> 00:04:36,579
He may kid you it's Danny.

57
00:04:36,580 --> 00:04:39,199
Haven't you seen the pigmentation
of the skin?

58
00:04:39,200 --> 00:04:41,999
That's Sitting Bull
the poor woman's trotting after.

59
00:04:42,000 --> 00:04:43,679
But he was born round here.

60
00:04:43,680 --> 00:04:47,600
Was he? Don't rattle any tomahawks,
that's all I say.

61
00:04:53,540 --> 00:04:56,219
Here we are,
put that away somewhere.

62
00:04:56,220 --> 00:04:59,139
God, I thought you had my fingers
there for a moment.

63
00:04:59,140 --> 00:05:00,319
I'll look after it.

64
00:05:00,320 --> 00:05:04,619
There's more where that came from
providing you keep your eyes open and your blabber shut.

65
00:05:04,620 --> 00:05:09,699
I didn't actually hit anybody.
Oh, don't get too depressed, there's always going home.

66
00:05:09,700 --> 00:05:11,379
I'm changing gear better.

67
00:05:11,380 --> 00:05:13,259
More positive, that's true.

68
00:05:13,260 --> 00:05:16,179
Mind you, so you should be,
you're using both hands!

69
00:05:16,180 --> 00:05:18,639
Empty glass already? So have I.

70
00:05:18,640 --> 00:05:20,359
I wonder how that happens.

71
00:05:20,360 --> 00:05:22,439
I'll have a splash of dry ginger.

72
00:05:22,440 --> 00:05:24,960
It kills taste and I can watch
t'bubbles.

73
00:05:27,020 --> 00:05:30,159
We covered 15 miles today.

74
00:05:30,160 --> 00:05:34,479
Maybe with legs your size,
mine have only done about 12.

75
00:05:34,480 --> 00:05:36,459
You've enjoyed it, haven't you?

76
00:05:36,460 --> 00:05:40,219
Oh, aye, I wouldn't have missed it
for all the tea in my left armpit.

77
00:05:40,220 --> 00:05:43,399
He's got no instinct
for landscape or scenery.

78
00:05:43,400 --> 00:05:47,399
If he can't eat it,
drink it, smoke it or pocket it, he does not wish to know.

79
00:05:47,400 --> 00:05:50,299
Only because he's uncouth
and insensitive.

80
00:05:50,300 --> 00:05:53,739
That's it, Norm, tell him.
Simmonite stock, you see.

81
00:05:53,740 --> 00:05:58,019
If they'd been Springer spaniels,
the Kennel Club would have put the blocks on their strain years ago.

82
00:05:58,020 --> 00:06:00,039
Our Les would have
made a good gun dog.

83
00:06:00,040 --> 00:06:02,000
He were out every night
looking for a bang.

84
00:06:03,560 --> 00:06:05,199
What have we got to do with him?

85
00:06:05,200 --> 00:06:08,199
Thou can give him a fag!

86
00:06:08,200 --> 00:06:10,379
Take two.

87
00:06:10,380 --> 00:06:13,459
The way your breathing sounded
coming out of that last hill,

88
00:06:13,460 --> 00:06:17,479
made me realise that I shouldn't
begrudge you the odd cigarette.

89
00:06:17,480 --> 00:06:23,020
You're not trying to live forever,
are you? No, but a bloke's got to have some ambition.

90
00:06:24,080 --> 00:06:27,039
'Ey up, can't stop now!

91
00:06:27,040 --> 00:06:29,759
He must have just
remembered something.

92
00:06:29,760 --> 00:06:32,999
Mind you, at his age there's not a
lot happening to keep reminding you.

93
00:06:33,000 --> 00:06:34,799
He's not as old as he looks.

94
00:06:34,800 --> 00:06:36,719
It's just that he's such a misery.

95
00:06:36,720 --> 00:06:39,719
It's pity there's not a competition
for it, we could enter him.

96
00:06:39,720 --> 00:06:44,219
At bantam-weight. Aye. With a good
trainer he'd be unbeatable.

97
00:06:44,220 --> 00:06:47,459
Some of us have a sense of
seriousness, responsibility.

98
00:06:47,460 --> 00:06:51,559
It's just natural selection, that's
all, working in its mysterious way,

99
00:06:51,560 --> 00:06:55,859
choosing its leaders. All right,
you can kiss me if you want to.

100
00:06:55,860 --> 00:07:01,579
Isn't he magnificent? And tall
with it. And he's going to buy the next round! It's all molecules.

101
00:07:01,580 --> 00:07:05,979
My feelings exactly. If you've got
the right molecules, in the right place, that's what counts.

102
00:07:05,980 --> 00:07:10,979
Well, seeing as you walked
my molecules off today, what about the next round?

103
00:07:10,980 --> 00:07:12,639
I haven't finished this yet.

104
00:07:12,640 --> 00:07:14,639
Well, stop dragging your feet!

105
00:07:14,640 --> 00:07:18,779
Some of us have to proceed
with a series of small swallows.

106
00:07:18,780 --> 00:07:22,459
We all haven't got a mouth
connected to a main drain.

107
00:07:22,460 --> 00:07:24,699
What's up, Mouse,
couldn't you find it?

108
00:07:24,700 --> 00:07:27,739
His beer's off again,
I don't care what he says.

109
00:07:27,740 --> 00:07:29,799
I've been drinking beer
for 50 years.

110
00:07:29,800 --> 00:07:32,620
No wonder you were in a bit of
a rush to get through that door.

111
00:07:37,440 --> 00:07:44,519
A man could get a real sense of
achievement if he could persuade Mouse into buying a round.

112
00:07:44,520 --> 00:07:46,260
You've got a hope.

113
00:07:55,100 --> 00:07:58,899
'Ey up, Barry. Same again, please,
and don't get the glasses mixed up.

114
00:07:58,900 --> 00:08:02,399
More than my piece of mind's worth
wondering which is his.

115
00:08:02,400 --> 00:08:04,800
It should
be the one with the frog spawn.

116
00:08:05,820 --> 00:08:07,559
Look there, it's stamped.

117
00:08:07,560 --> 00:08:10,699
Which is more than can be
said for your insurance cards.

118
00:08:10,700 --> 00:08:12,799
Don't get bitter.

119
00:08:12,800 --> 00:08:15,399
I daren't buy this, Danny.
Why's that, kid?

120
00:08:15,400 --> 00:08:18,460
Supposing the owners reported it
missing. Give us it here.

121
00:08:21,600 --> 00:08:23,499
She's all right, aren't you, Tina?

122
00:08:23,500 --> 00:08:26,639
I'm all right, got me musical box.

123
00:08:26,640 --> 00:08:27,759
China Shepherd.

124
00:08:27,760 --> 00:08:30,639
It's her boom night.

125
00:08:30,640 --> 00:08:32,179
Her what night?

126
00:08:32,180 --> 00:08:34,339
Boom night.

127
00:08:34,340 --> 00:08:38,340
Aye, she'll stay there now drinking
till she falls over. Boom!

128
00:08:39,580 --> 00:08:41,599
Happens every few months,
doesn't it?

129
00:08:41,600 --> 00:08:43,579
It's granny's pot clock.

130
00:08:43,580 --> 00:08:47,559
Normally she has a couple of beers,
but every now and again, boom!

131
00:08:47,560 --> 00:08:50,059
How's this, then?
What if I throw in the chain.

132
00:08:50,060 --> 00:08:52,420
How will you flush the toilet?

133
00:09:02,060 --> 00:09:06,119
'Ey up, come on now, you card
players, let's have some drinks in.

134
00:09:06,120 --> 00:09:09,980
You don't just come here to sit all
night and enjoy yersens. Sorry, Harry.

135
00:09:27,820 --> 00:09:29,280
Come on.

136
00:09:35,720 --> 00:09:38,819
Come on. He's a bit stuck up,
isn't he, that goat?

137
00:09:38,820 --> 00:09:40,639
Watch your trousers.

138
00:09:40,640 --> 00:09:42,580
Ee, I wonder which side
he drunk out of?

139
00:09:51,880 --> 00:09:54,139
Tha's no chance.

140
00:09:54,140 --> 00:09:58,079
I'd do better trying to
persuade this old lass to buy a drink than Mouse.

141
00:09:58,080 --> 00:10:01,899
That's not a fair comparison,
she's nicer natured than Mouse.

142
00:10:01,900 --> 00:10:04,419
It's no good trying to
shame him into it, either.

143
00:10:04,420 --> 00:10:08,499
You could sit there all night with
an empty glass in front of you and he wouldn't bat an eyelid.

144
00:10:08,500 --> 00:10:13,279
Oh, landlord would, though.
It takes a cool nerve to sit in Harry's pub wi' an empty glass.

145
00:10:13,280 --> 00:10:15,559
Me mam used to keep
a couple of little pigs.

146
00:10:15,560 --> 00:10:18,579
Aye, you and your Phyllis.
We all knew about that.

147
00:10:18,580 --> 00:10:26,580
Looking at the problem, objectively,
I think the answer is that we've got to con Mouse into buying us a round.

148
00:10:26,900 --> 00:10:31,300
It's not because we're thirsty.
It's all part of a search for a new experience.

149
00:10:32,400 --> 00:10:34,319
You don't get bacon
like you used to.

150
00:10:34,320 --> 00:10:35,419
PIG GRUNTS

151
00:10:35,420 --> 00:10:40,999
Do you mind not talking about bacon
when she's listening, have you no tact?!

152
00:10:41,000 --> 00:10:42,599
Pigs can't hear!

153
00:10:42,600 --> 00:10:44,619
Of course they can.

154
00:10:44,620 --> 00:10:48,899
They used to use them
during the Middle Ages and even later down Finkle Street.

155
00:10:48,900 --> 00:10:51,879
They can't understand
what you're saying!

156
00:10:51,880 --> 00:10:54,059
Down Finkle Street -
of course they can.

157
00:10:54,060 --> 00:10:57,359
They just don't take
any notice, that's all.

158
00:10:57,360 --> 00:10:59,139
Pigs can't understand.

159
00:10:59,140 --> 00:11:01,859
How do you know that pigs
haven't got intelligence?

160
00:11:01,860 --> 00:11:04,379
Have you ever seen one
at university? No.

161
00:11:04,380 --> 00:11:08,179
But you will be doing if they
lower the standards much further.

162
00:11:08,180 --> 00:11:12,559
What we've got to do is to kid Mouse
that he's got second sight.

163
00:11:12,560 --> 00:11:19,059
Then, when we've turned his thoughts
towards the future we can introduce the subject of the next round.

164
00:11:19,060 --> 00:11:25,159
That'd frighten him to death.
But if we convince him that he's got the gift of foretelling the future,

165
00:11:25,160 --> 00:11:31,520
we can say to him,
"Mouse, I bet you can even tell us who's going to get the next round."

166
00:11:42,336 --> 00:11:46,895
It's there. It's there when
you get the light on it.

167
00:11:46,896 --> 00:11:50,215
I thought I noticed it
when he was talking to us.

168
00:11:50,216 --> 00:11:53,595
You noticed what? Course,
you can't be sure at that distance.

169
00:11:53,596 --> 00:11:56,276
Aye, it's a clear a one
as I've ever seen.

170
00:11:58,076 --> 00:12:01,255
I can't see 'owt
but a lot of nasty, red veins.

171
00:12:01,256 --> 00:12:03,635
What's up? What is it?

172
00:12:03,636 --> 00:12:05,415
Do you think he doesn't know?

173
00:12:05,416 --> 00:12:07,295
Must do, bound to know.

174
00:12:07,296 --> 00:12:11,715
Know what? He's not bound to,
be fair, he's thick, tha knows.

175
00:12:11,716 --> 00:12:15,595
Have I got something in my eye?
It doesn't hurt.

176
00:12:15,596 --> 00:12:22,736
Have you got something in it,
just the sign of the vessel of ancient wisdom, that's all. You what?

177
00:12:26,176 --> 00:12:27,975
'Ere, what's up with you?

178
00:12:27,976 --> 00:12:31,715
I know I ought to wear me glasses,
but it makes me hooter tickle.

179
00:12:31,716 --> 00:12:36,935
I think you're got lovely eyes,
Mouse. For your age! Get off!

180
00:12:36,936 --> 00:12:40,895
Now, Mouse, we want you to
disregard our original diagnosis.

181
00:12:40,896 --> 00:12:44,915
We've decided it must be a mistake
on account of a misreading

182
00:12:44,916 --> 00:12:52,015
of your pupils which are a bit
tricky on account of being more of a Danish blue or even Camembert.

183
00:12:52,016 --> 00:12:53,615
What have I got?

184
00:12:53,616 --> 00:12:55,915
Well, nothing really.

185
00:12:55,916 --> 00:12:57,515
What did you think I'd got?

186
00:12:57,516 --> 00:13:00,295
The sign. What sign?

187
00:13:00,296 --> 00:13:01,875
Of Nostradamus.

188
00:13:01,876 --> 00:13:03,555
Of second sight.

189
00:13:03,556 --> 00:13:06,315
Of course, it's probably only
a legend anyway -

190
00:13:06,316 --> 00:13:08,055
like Mrs Broderick's lodger.

191
00:13:08,056 --> 00:13:10,116
'Ey up, she'll have a mirror.

192
00:13:11,716 --> 00:13:15,615
Eh, come here. Listen, if he asks
you if he has anything in his eye

193
00:13:15,616 --> 00:13:20,335
the answer, little grimy goblin, is,
"yes". What sort of things?

194
00:13:20,336 --> 00:13:28,016
A really noticeable pattern in the
retina in the shape of a coiled serpent or an old inner tube. Oh!

195
00:13:31,596 --> 00:13:36,235
'Ey up, he's got sensitive shins.
Oh, well there's no meat on them, is there? It's terrible.

196
00:13:36,236 --> 00:13:38,915
That's good enough for me.
That practically confirms it.

197
00:13:38,916 --> 00:13:42,655
Don't be daft, there's no connection
between me shins and me eyes!

198
00:13:42,656 --> 00:13:45,736
When you banged it,
it made them water, didn't it?

199
00:13:53,216 --> 00:13:57,295
What am I looking for?
The philosophers say, "happiness,"

200
00:13:57,296 --> 00:14:02,975
by which they imply that instinctive
yearning after the good life leads men to the back door

201
00:14:02,976 --> 00:14:07,035
of number 15 Sackville Street or did
till the constabulary closed it.

202
00:14:07,036 --> 00:14:10,795
Hey, Tina, what have you done
with your lipstick?

203
00:14:10,796 --> 00:14:12,816
Oh, I must have lost me mirror.

204
00:14:15,796 --> 00:14:17,676
I only borrowed it.

205
00:14:22,436 --> 00:14:25,435
Conning Mouse
didn't get us very far, did it?

206
00:14:25,436 --> 00:14:28,775
No, but we planted the seed,
planted the seed.

207
00:14:28,776 --> 00:14:32,515
I noticed that he didn't
offer to water it, either.

208
00:14:32,516 --> 00:14:35,035
I told you we wouldn't
get anywhere with Mouse.

209
00:14:35,036 --> 00:14:38,695
We've got to leave him for a while,
let the idea simmer.

210
00:14:38,696 --> 00:14:41,995
Let him get used to the thought
that he's a prophet

211
00:14:41,996 --> 00:14:45,536
and not just an ordinary, average
pain in the buttock.

212
00:14:58,696 --> 00:15:02,695
Hey, can you see owt in that eye?

213
00:15:02,696 --> 00:15:04,675
I'll buy thee some vinegar.

214
00:15:04,676 --> 00:15:08,035
Vinegar, what for?
Tha's playing like a prawn.

215
00:15:08,036 --> 00:15:10,975
Like a snake
or a serpent, or something.

216
00:15:10,976 --> 00:15:13,255
I thought you'd got
a bit of grit in your eye.

217
00:15:13,256 --> 00:15:18,095
I wouldn't have been poking around
your unsolicited eyeballs if I hadn't thought it was an emergency.

218
00:15:18,096 --> 00:15:20,415
No, it's like a birthmark.

219
00:15:20,416 --> 00:15:23,275
You only have it
if you have second sight.

220
00:15:23,276 --> 00:15:25,715
Tha's hardly got any first sight.

221
00:15:25,716 --> 00:15:28,635
Tha's as blind as a bucket
without your glasses.

222
00:15:28,636 --> 00:15:32,155
That's very kind,
I've just lost one of these.

223
00:15:32,156 --> 00:15:35,715
I don't know, Danny, there's
pigswill and there's pigswill.

224
00:15:35,716 --> 00:15:38,975
This is quality stuff, me old love,
plenty of solids in it.

225
00:15:38,976 --> 00:15:43,075
You could eat it yersen. And he will
be doing if he yells at me any more.

226
00:15:43,076 --> 00:15:47,195
I don't know, Danny. I tell you
what, I'll fetch thee a sample.

227
00:15:47,196 --> 00:15:49,255
It's not far away.
I'll come with you.

228
00:15:49,256 --> 00:15:51,375
Be still, be still.

229
00:15:51,376 --> 00:15:57,375
I'd like to keep it my secret
until you've paid me a bit of introductory commission.

230
00:15:57,376 --> 00:15:59,036
Shan't be many minutes, lass.

231
00:16:01,696 --> 00:16:04,676
Hey, Harry, something's
just dropped off your bar.

232
00:16:07,536 --> 00:16:09,475
Oops-a-daisy.

233
00:16:09,476 --> 00:16:13,555
Ey up, Harry, same again, please.
Aye, right.

234
00:16:13,556 --> 00:16:15,215
Hello, Tina.

235
00:16:15,216 --> 00:16:18,115
Hey, nobody else can see it.

236
00:16:18,116 --> 00:16:23,195
Oh, well, er, why don't you
come over here into the light.

237
00:16:23,196 --> 00:16:26,235
Folks can't see if you're lurking
about in the shadows.

238
00:16:26,236 --> 00:16:29,315
Who do you think you are,
Dracula's apprentice.

239
00:16:29,316 --> 00:16:32,615
Oh, yes, I'm afraid there is
still something there.

240
00:16:32,616 --> 00:16:35,216
Aye, well, I can't see nowt.

241
00:16:36,296 --> 00:16:37,816
Eh, eh, come here.

242
00:16:44,756 --> 00:16:46,216
Ah, here we are.

243
00:16:54,076 --> 00:16:58,015
Very pleasant is a quiet drink
on a summer's evening.

244
00:16:58,016 --> 00:17:00,895
Aye, it's the simple pleasures
that are the best.

245
00:17:00,896 --> 00:17:04,236
Happiness is the sum total
of the small things.

246
00:17:10,736 --> 00:17:12,856
I must write that down.

247
00:17:14,696 --> 00:17:17,856
How do you spell...?

248
00:17:18,956 --> 00:17:22,435
What a poetical contribution
to an intelligent conversation.

249
00:17:22,436 --> 00:17:24,915
What's up with you,
it's only natural?

250
00:17:24,916 --> 00:17:25,955
Natural?!

251
00:17:25,956 --> 00:17:30,355
I think it's repulsive. Aye, but
you're not certain. I am positive.

252
00:17:30,356 --> 00:17:31,815
It's all right blaming me.

253
00:17:31,816 --> 00:17:33,615
I had three spades, three spades.

254
00:17:33,616 --> 00:17:38,595
And a natural flair for dropping them
just when they'd do the least good. Now, come on, be a good loser.

255
00:17:38,596 --> 00:17:41,575
He has to be, look at
the bloody practise he gets.

256
00:17:41,576 --> 00:17:44,995
As I was saying, I think it's
the simple pleasures that are best.

257
00:17:44,996 --> 00:17:48,635
That's true. You get us a pint and
I'll give you the simple pleasure

258
00:17:48,636 --> 00:17:53,215
of listening to the static
electricity in me pullover.

259
00:17:53,216 --> 00:17:56,256
Hey, it picks up all
the loose hairs off me ferret.

260
00:17:57,576 --> 00:17:59,775
An enquiring mind, you see.

261
00:17:59,776 --> 00:18:01,615
Just like his Aunty Beth.

262
00:18:01,616 --> 00:18:03,855
Lovely woman. Absolutely!

263
00:18:03,856 --> 00:18:06,095
Everybody had a good word for her.

264
00:18:06,096 --> 00:18:07,635
What was it? Gobby.

265
00:18:07,636 --> 00:18:09,355
That's it.

266
00:18:09,356 --> 00:18:14,155
It was her that started them rumours
about the highway superintendant being born out of wedlock.

267
00:18:14,156 --> 00:18:18,735
Born out of Matlock, she said.

268
00:18:18,736 --> 00:18:20,415
It were a misunderstanding.

269
00:18:20,416 --> 00:18:24,835
Good heavens, not only illegitimate,
but from Derbyshire as well.

270
00:18:24,836 --> 00:18:28,255
She was responsible for more
scandalous gossip, that woman...

271
00:18:28,256 --> 00:18:30,515
She liked to take
an interest in folk.

272
00:18:30,516 --> 00:18:36,095
Interest?! She stands at their gate
that long she must be down on the Ordnance Survey map!

273
00:18:36,096 --> 00:18:39,595
The council have painted
her twice to my knowledge.

274
00:18:39,596 --> 00:18:41,555
I don't calculate everything.

275
00:18:41,556 --> 00:18:43,795
I play by instinct. Yeah, badly.

276
00:18:43,796 --> 00:18:49,075
They're off again. Pack it in, you
two, you've just proved you can do something together. Side by side.

277
00:18:49,076 --> 00:18:51,375
Standing shoulder to shoulder, eh!

278
00:18:51,376 --> 00:18:56,296
I'll tell you something, that's the
first time he's known what he's had in his hand all flaming night!

279
00:18:58,716 --> 00:19:02,155
But she were good to our Barry
when he had his accident.

280
00:19:02,156 --> 00:19:04,075
Who was good to your Barry?

281
00:19:04,076 --> 00:19:09,395
Me Aunty Beth. She was also fairly
generous to that left-handed bread man by all accounts.

282
00:19:09,396 --> 00:19:11,275
What, him from Harper Street?

283
00:19:11,276 --> 00:19:17,075
That's the one, yeah.
You wouldn't think there'd be a living in it, left-handed bread?

284
00:19:17,076 --> 00:19:19,435
No, there were nowt in it.

285
00:19:19,436 --> 00:19:21,215
He just liked to call in.

286
00:19:21,216 --> 00:19:23,675
He liked to do tricks
with her pair of gerbils.

287
00:19:23,676 --> 00:19:28,315
Aye, he practically kept them going
with yesterday's buns.

288
00:19:28,316 --> 00:19:30,955
When did your Barry
have an accident?

289
00:19:30,956 --> 00:19:35,395
Or are you referring to the occasion
when he thought he'd wiped his prints off that van.

290
00:19:35,396 --> 00:19:38,215
No, that were
before he went straight.

291
00:19:38,216 --> 00:19:40,635
Inside, I remember.

292
00:19:40,636 --> 00:19:44,155
Come on, come on. Don't rush, it's
no sack of corn you're carrying.

293
00:19:44,156 --> 00:19:46,715
Hello, hello, hello,
is it that time already?

294
00:19:46,716 --> 00:19:50,395
Aye, there's more air out here,
it'll do her the world of good.

295
00:19:50,396 --> 00:19:53,875
Aye, and these lot can keep an eye
on her till her old man comes back.

296
00:19:53,876 --> 00:19:57,995
I'm afraid we're just
on the point of leaving. Oh, Danny'll be back in a minute.

297
00:19:57,996 --> 00:19:59,715
He won't leave her for long.

298
00:19:59,716 --> 00:20:01,855
You know,
it's really rather touching.

299
00:20:01,856 --> 00:20:05,696
The way he gathers her up in his
arms and throws her in that lorry.

300
00:20:07,276 --> 00:20:11,535
Hey, come here, Mouse. Give over.

301
00:20:11,536 --> 00:20:13,135
Pack it in.

302
00:20:13,136 --> 00:20:19,215
When he said, "Who's going to look after Tina?"
I thought, "Right,Mouse, now's thee chance.

303
00:20:19,216 --> 00:20:21,875
"Use thee second sight," so I did.

304
00:20:21,876 --> 00:20:26,356
Straight away,
I had this vision of you lot.

305
00:20:29,036 --> 00:20:31,915
Dear me...

306
00:20:31,916 --> 00:20:33,575
Oh, poor old Tina.

307
00:20:33,576 --> 00:20:36,076
She'll get a nasty headache
doing that.

308
00:20:37,676 --> 00:20:39,876
There we are. All right, love.

309
00:20:46,156 --> 00:20:48,155
A quiet drink, he says.

310
00:20:48,156 --> 00:20:51,515
I, for one, do not relish
the thought of being responsible

311
00:20:51,516 --> 00:20:54,675
for incapacitated females.
For one thing,

312
00:20:54,676 --> 00:20:56,855
they sit on your hat.

313
00:20:56,856 --> 00:20:59,115
We've all got our foibles, Cyril.

314
00:20:59,116 --> 00:21:00,655
I'm not too sure about him.

315
00:21:00,656 --> 00:21:02,475
We should take her back to the bar.

316
00:21:02,476 --> 00:21:04,616
What for? There's no deposit on her.

317
00:21:08,116 --> 00:21:09,356
Oh, my God!

318
00:21:20,236 --> 00:21:22,056
Have you got a light, sailor?

319
00:21:24,316 --> 00:21:28,916
For God's sake take it off, you
look like Jimmy Savile's granddad!

320
00:21:30,536 --> 00:21:33,455
Come here, Tina,
let's get your skin back on.

321
00:21:33,456 --> 00:21:36,115
There you are,

322
00:21:36,116 --> 00:21:38,695
look at that. Good as new!

323
00:21:38,696 --> 00:21:42,555
I told you that she didn't bite!

324
00:21:42,556 --> 00:21:47,355
It's just that she goes boom
every few months, you know.

325
00:21:47,356 --> 00:21:49,536
That doesn't do any harm,
I tell you.

326
00:21:53,256 --> 00:21:56,435
Well, you can't have her
keep banging her head on the...

327
00:21:56,436 --> 00:21:58,636
on the table, can you?

328
00:22:00,436 --> 00:22:02,495
'Ey up, 'ey up, 'ey up.

329
00:22:02,496 --> 00:22:06,115
I've just penetrated your disguise.

330
00:22:06,116 --> 00:22:12,395
Underneath that foul exterior,
you're really a secret gentleman.

331
00:22:12,396 --> 00:22:14,375
Get off!

332
00:22:14,376 --> 00:22:17,455
All I did was just throw
my jacket on a table.

333
00:22:17,456 --> 00:22:22,815
Now listen, tatty breeches,
that was every bit as gracious as Sir Walter Raleigh.

334
00:22:22,816 --> 00:22:26,895
And you weren't doing it to
get your leg in at the palace.

335
00:22:26,896 --> 00:22:28,615
Walter Raleigh, him.

336
00:22:28,616 --> 00:22:31,115
Shut your cakehole!

337
00:22:31,116 --> 00:22:32,795
Oh, very aristocratic.

338
00:22:32,796 --> 00:22:36,795
I know that coat's been down
in the mud a few times, but he's always been wearing it.

339
00:22:36,796 --> 00:22:43,235
♪ Somewhere over the rainbow
Way up high

340
00:22:43,236 --> 00:22:49,675
♪ There's a land that I heard of
Once in a lullaby... ♪

341
00:22:49,676 --> 00:22:51,615
A quiet drink he says.

342
00:22:51,616 --> 00:22:55,015
I told you you'd get nowhere
with Mouse.

343
00:22:55,016 --> 00:22:57,955
He gave us Tina, didn't he?
It's a start.

344
00:22:57,956 --> 00:23:01,255
What are we going to do with her,
eh? I've heard of loose women...

345
00:23:01,256 --> 00:23:03,055
She's not even done up at the seams.

346
00:23:03,056 --> 00:23:05,375
Mouse's car is out there.

347
00:23:05,376 --> 00:23:10,816
Why don't we put a little spoke
in his wheel?

348
00:23:12,116 --> 00:23:17,735
Firstly, I shall be glad to
relinquish my responsibilities in this matter.

349
00:23:17,736 --> 00:23:21,795
I never feel comfortable
with unco-ordinated females.

350
00:23:21,796 --> 00:23:25,835
They tread on your shoes
and ruin the polish.

351
00:23:25,836 --> 00:23:28,575
She'll be more comfortable
in Mouse's car.

352
00:23:28,576 --> 00:23:31,635
Besides, them that give
shall also receive.

353
00:23:31,636 --> 00:23:35,455
Suppose it's locked. Who's going to
bother locking that damn thing?

354
00:23:35,456 --> 00:23:38,696
Put her behind the wheel,
then she can't fall far.

355
00:23:40,836 --> 00:23:44,715
Oh, whee... Watch it!
That's a good hat!

356
00:23:44,716 --> 00:23:47,875
Here, hold her handbag.

357
00:23:47,876 --> 00:23:52,916
If we fix her safety belt,
she'll be as safe as houses.

358
00:23:56,156 --> 00:23:59,536
There we are.
You'll be all right in there now.

359
00:24:06,596 --> 00:24:09,055
Now, I tell you what
we're gonna do about Mouse.

360
00:24:09,056 --> 00:24:11,475
We're gonna change tactics.

361
00:24:11,476 --> 00:24:13,535
Less of this flannelling about.

362
00:24:13,536 --> 00:24:16,276
We're going to challenge him
to a duel.

363
00:24:25,576 --> 00:24:27,275
Now then,

364
00:24:27,276 --> 00:24:29,995
tha said something about a duel.

365
00:24:29,996 --> 00:24:35,015
What duel?
A test of cold, naked courage.

366
00:24:35,016 --> 00:24:40,395
We're going to sit here,
under Harry's eye, the four of us

367
00:24:40,396 --> 00:24:42,035
with empty glasses.

368
00:24:42,036 --> 00:24:43,976
He'll kill us.

369
00:24:45,556 --> 00:24:47,615
That's going to be dicey.

370
00:24:47,616 --> 00:24:52,836
Now the first one who leaves
his chair, gets the drinks in.

371
00:24:54,856 --> 00:24:56,455
I can manage that.

372
00:24:56,456 --> 00:24:58,736
Well, look at the practise
you've had.

373
00:25:00,296 --> 00:25:02,015
You're outclassed.

374
00:25:02,016 --> 00:25:03,635
A bit confident, isn't he?

375
00:25:03,636 --> 00:25:07,675
Now, no elbowing, no shuffling.

376
00:25:07,676 --> 00:25:14,055
Right. The first one who leaves
the precincts of the table buys the drinks in.

377
00:25:14,056 --> 00:25:16,795
Tha wants to lose, Mouse.

378
00:25:16,796 --> 00:25:21,355
Tha wants to prove that you're
not as mean as folks think you are.

379
00:25:21,356 --> 00:25:24,135
Oh, but I am.

380
00:25:24,136 --> 00:25:29,095
Don't you worry. Can't we just sit
here with a drop in our glasses?

381
00:25:29,096 --> 00:25:32,896
No, we're going to drink 'em up,
right now, every drop.

382
00:25:42,236 --> 00:25:46,875
It's going to be about
ten seconds before Harry notices these empty glasses.

383
00:25:46,876 --> 00:25:49,216
He's got that infrared device
behind the bar.

384
00:25:50,336 --> 00:25:53,096
That's no way to talk about
his missus.

385
00:25:55,976 --> 00:26:01,695
Well, what shall we talk about.
Anything...

386
00:26:01,696 --> 00:26:05,636
As long as it's not about that time
that Harry threw them wrestlers out.

387
00:26:07,296 --> 00:26:09,335
What have you done with Tina, then?

388
00:26:09,336 --> 00:26:11,276
Never you mind.

389
00:26:14,396 --> 00:26:22,116
What, what sets you wondering
is the sheer size of things in this mysterious universe.

390
00:26:23,716 --> 00:26:30,795
Like the rates. I believe there's
an intelligence behind everything

391
00:26:30,796 --> 00:26:33,835
and it works
in a very mysterious way.

392
00:26:33,836 --> 00:26:36,175
CAR ENGINE DRONES

393
00:26:36,176 --> 00:26:43,656
I've never believed in owt,
but I would like to know what makes my pullover sometimes go electric.

394
00:26:49,836 --> 00:26:54,115
Who's that clown racing round the
car park in your car, Mouse? My car?

395
00:26:54,116 --> 00:26:56,415
Aye, your flaming car.
It came straight at us,

396
00:26:56,416 --> 00:26:58,955
we were in the middle of unloading
a drum of pig swill.

397
00:26:58,956 --> 00:27:02,335
Go on you lot, outside! Outside!

398
00:27:02,336 --> 00:27:04,835
Don't just stand there
dripping all over my carpet.

399
00:27:04,836 --> 00:27:08,755
You didn't leave your keys
in the car. Why shouldn't I?

400
00:27:08,756 --> 00:27:11,556
Tina's driving.

401
00:27:15,076 --> 00:27:17,376
Come on, Harry,
let's have three more.

402
00:27:26,196 --> 00:27:28,036
Tina, come back here.

403
00:27:36,956 --> 00:27:39,836
Come here, stop, stop...
Right here, here.

404
00:27:40,865 --> 00:28:40,860
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